Old Man Gamer

It’s May, which means that I have yet another birthday coming up. This marks my 38th trip around the sun, and with that comes this increased sense of mortality. We joke about turning 30 but hitting that late-30’s mark is when things begin to hit a little different. Have you ever stopped and thought about the fact that there will be new Zelda games that are released after you die? There will be new Batman movies that you will never get to see. Those are the thoughts that have been circling around in my brain as of late, and it’s a fucking bummer. 

It goes beyond thoughts, though. My irritableness and lack of patience have increased dramatically as of late. A few months ago, I found myself looking for a new game to play. As I was browsing the Playstation Store, I began to look at everything with a critical eye. Death Loop looked appealing, but my brain chimed in: “That’s from Bethesda and Arkane, it’s going to be free on PS Plus in no time.” Okay, what about Resident Evil Village? That was well received and looks right up my alley. Again, my brain spoke up: “$30? That was $14.99 just last week.” And despite the fact that I won’t hesitate to pay $35 for a $12 meal through DoorDash, my brain took Resident Evil Village out of consideration. Dying Light 2 and Horizon: Forbidden West were my last two options. Both are sequels to games that I absolutely loved, but I would watch clips on YouTube and, again, my brain would begin to overanalyze. “That just looks like more Dying Light and Horizon,” my brain said. Well, isn’t that a good thing? We played the shit out of those. In its best Larry David voice, my brain gave an unenthused “Ehh.”

I ended up forcing myself to choose Horizon: Forbidden West. What was the determining factor? I think that at least part of it was because I saw that there was a Playstation 5 copy for $69.99 and a Playstation 4 version (with a free PS5 upgrade) for $59.99 and got excited to “put it to the man” by going with the PS4 version. I’m sure that Sony’s financials are going to be off this quarter from me saving that $10.  

You might think that I would stop being such a miserable son of a bitch once I actually got into the game, but you would be wrong. I’m 10 hours in Forbidden West and I’m having an absolutely miserable time with it. The younger version of me was all about story and lore, but nowadays I just want to shoot some robot raptors. Was the other Horizon up its own ass this much or am I just now noticing? Any and all momentum that I build up is quickly blue balled by an exposition dump as I have to watch holograms talk about terraforming AI for 10 minutes. It’s so stupid. I’m at this point right now where Aloy glitches into the ground after a brief cutscene. Instead of being frustrated or trying to find a workaround, I’ve never been more thankful for a bug in my life as it gives me a reason to uninstall it and move on with my life. 

My crankiness goes beyond video games. I finally got around to watching Spider-Man: No Way Home the other night. Afterward, I realized that I’m over comic book movies. For those that told me that NWH was better than Endgame and that it was the best MCU film yet, what did I do to you to justify such lies? I’m just tired of watching characters fight CGI bullshit for nearly three hours. I’m tired of the lame jokes. I’m tired of the end credit teasers. I’m tired of cinematic universes. None of it works for me anymore. The only movie that I want to watch from now on is Demolition Man. 

I’m going to have to stop there before I get into how my political views are starting to shift. Just know that there will come a day when you begin to hate everything that you love today. That new Oreo flavor is dumb. The success of the local sports team won’t matter. The celebrity crush from your childhood is going to be on TV promoting reverse mortgages. You’re going to need to take medication in order to enjoy ice cream and pizza. All of your favorite pornstars are going to retire. You’re not going to know who that trendy new celebrity is and you’re not going to care enough to look it up. And why on Earth would you buy that new action figure or collectible? Someone that you love and trust today is just going to donate it or trash it once your corpse goes cold. 

While I may have this newfound sense that my days left on this rock are numbered, shall these words remain on the internet for generations to come. Just kidding. I’ll die, my hosting won’t renew, and everything that I’ve worked so hard on will be erased forever. Some 14-year-old is going to snatch up LeveledUp.com and not do anything with it for a few decades. It’s the new circle of life.

Wait. Is this what a mid-life crisis is?